Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
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(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.