Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
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I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?