I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
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likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
still the best tweet of the year by far
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.