we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
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Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.