[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
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When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
*gets down on one knee*
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
Sign at work today
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan