This is painfully accurate 😅
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[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST