Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
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Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Storm Tropical Storm
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.