I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
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I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while