friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
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It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.