“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
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me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
Personal question. #JustSaying
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort