[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
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Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.