If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
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It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?