Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
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Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.