I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
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Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
I know karate and tons of other words.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
The little toadstool has spoken.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
The real reason evolution started..😂
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity