Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
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You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it