If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
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I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet