Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
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What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
You saw nothing. I am ham.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.