Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
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Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!