“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
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For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.