First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
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Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
They’re really bad with fonts.
Just a reminder, folks:
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi