I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
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9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
I know karate and tons of other words.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
My beach vacation Google searches
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.