Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
You Might Also Like
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
when the buffet is more honest than your date
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad