Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
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England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Noted.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
wow
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.