Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…๐๐พ๐
You Might Also Like
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I donโt have to put on pants
In order to stop teeth grinding, itโs recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While youโre at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
me: why do you think my parents donโt love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
MRI machines donโt have to be that loud. They just donโt want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term โin a court of law?โ In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Listen, I didnโt even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
I yell โCOVER ME!โ at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
How do dragons blow out candles?
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. Itโs finally my time to shineโฆ
Aw beans