My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
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My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Smooooooth
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa