“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
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definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing