Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
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[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
can’t wait til they legalize outside
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.