What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
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In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Mornin
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Wise advice
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat