Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
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Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
when u come home smelling like another dog
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.