Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
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The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!