‘I know a black person’
– White people
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anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
79.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Banking tips
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle