a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
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My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Bread puns are on the rise!
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?