My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
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My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
#CoronaOutbreak
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…