Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
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My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street