I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
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I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*