Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
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He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.