I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
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Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
This is painfully accurate 😅
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Love it! 👍😂
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.