Everyone in the gym on January 1st
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Morning.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
sin harder.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you