I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
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Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
Happy Taco Tuesday
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Labreador
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
“Wait, let me explain..”
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian