HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
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“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting