“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
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16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
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Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
A Match(.com), but for socks.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them