[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
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I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Coffee is ready.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Good Morning.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.