Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
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Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.