An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
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Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Said the murderer.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.