When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
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I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.