It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
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me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Well, this certainly took a turn
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT