God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
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I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Good Morning.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
What?!?
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.