A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
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A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Strangers have the best candy.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject