[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
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I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Still a very good boi….
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.