Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
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girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what